x_soph_sox_x

'I'll love you forever, thats the problem.'

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 21:05:39 GMT

So, this is love, is it? Wonderful. And I mean that in the most serious and sarcastic ways possible.

Let's have a look at the pros and cons.

Cons-
*paranoia
*jealousy
*pain when they're not around
*pain when they're not there at your command
*selfishness
*denial
*constant questioning
*being terrified
*crossing serious trust boundaries

Pros-
*an unexplanable, overwhelming feeling of completion, to have someone who you can be a person you never thought you could be around, to be your best friend, your lover, someone that you know is yours, and you are theirs, because they love you too.
Complete honesty, no games, no lies, full on adoring.

I suppose for most people, the trust thing would be in the pros. And it is for me in a way. Because I trust him completely. But the fact that I have trusted people with my life before, only to find out they lied, a lot, over a long period of time, kind of damages your paranoia on that part.
You see, I've suddenly found myself to be an extremely jealous person because of him. Again, not because I don't trust him, its just that I want him to be completely mine, no-one elses, or anyone to think that he could possibly be theirs.
I suppose its the only problem in our relationship. I find myself feeling overwhelmingly happy, that stories start webbing in my mind, I sort of think something bad will happen, because it always does, so I'll make something up in my head so I already know it before it comes. I over-aniliyze everything, its not healthy.
Another thing I guess, is that I see him as my best friend, too. He's everything. And I want to involve him in every single thing in my life. But him being a typical boy, still wants his friends for hangy-out friend stuff, and me for everything else. I suppose I'm just going to have to get over that and stop being so selfish.

I'm going to stop the whole trust thing, every time I think of something bad, I'm going to change it and think of him, how he says he couldn't imagine hurting me, and how he's not the sort of person that could or would lie to me, about anything, because he knows how vulnerable I am.
Its typically cliche, but love, and he whome my love belongs to, are simply beyond words.

Match?

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:04:15 GMT

" I've concluded that he is your one that got away
Yeah, but, I've never given up on him, not completely
Yeah me neither, not really. Weird Isn't it
I'm never going to stop thinking he's the most incredible person in the world
That doesn't mean I've closed myself off from other guys though...obviously
But like you said.... he's my match. Just, perfect? Yerr.
Yeah. Your match. The one who intrigues you beyond words. Doesn't show much emotion or affection but when he does its incredible.
Just empowers you.
Makes you weak at the knees, makes you feel sickeningly happy.
Has a hold on your mind.
Even when they're not there anymore
They're still fresh in your head after all these months....
Just..... Your match. "

I wish I could say everything I wanted to say to you, but I can't. It brings me to tears every time I think about what happened, every time I try and work it out for myself. Work out how one minute you cared for me enough to see me like a sister, and the next you could basically erase me from your life like I was nothing. I suppose you could say that I didn't know you quite as well enough to say that you are one of the most amazing people I've ever met, but if I thought that of however little I did know of you, then whatever I didn't would most probably be beyond words. I'm not obsessed with you or any kind of nonsense like that, I just feel as though I've lost someone I shouldn't of. I know I've apologised for anything I did wrong, and tried to make things better a couple of times, I don't know how you've felt about that and I just wish you'd explain what the hell happened on your side, even if just for a sort of closure if anything. and I'm not the type of person that gives up on things that matter. I don't think you've ever realised what effect you had on me, be it making me think about my life and how I should change it for the better, or giving me advice, because the things you would say were never expected, the only things that would make sense to me. I may of just been a tiny part of yours, but you had a massive impact on my life, and for that I'd like to thank you. Not only all that, but I've always felt as if you've never been able to appreciate the real person and friend that I am, that you only get to truly know after a while. and I miss the bickering and the piss taking and pissing each other off and all that bollocks too.
I am not giving up.

Are you hoping for a miracle? It's not enough.

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:52:41 GMT

I think I'm losing some of my best friends. Not Emily, I know that she's always going to be there. We can not talk for weeks and then pick up like we saw each other a few hours ago, when we have a catch up. Because we're used to it. She's the only person I know I'll be able to depend on forever, even though she'll be in Wales in a couple of months. It's just one of those things you know.
It's Miranda and Hannah. Miranda's started college this year, and Hannah's started her last year of school. I'm seriously busy with work too, so I know what it's like for them. Except I like to text them every now and again, to see when they're free, so we can have a catch up. They don't even seem to care to take a little time to see me after weeks of nothing. I'm fucking loyal, and that's why I don't get it. I'm ALWAYS there for my friends, I'll ALWAYS make time for them. I don't see why they can't think of doing the same. I don't understand how I've been such a bad friend for them not to bother with contacting me. I hang around with different people on a social basis, through college friends and stuff, it's not like I sit alone every night or anything. It's just they're my best friends. I thought sitting and talking and crying to eachother, which none of us ever do, for hours on end, actually meant something.
It hurts, ridiculously.

Head fuck

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 23:15:54 GMT

I'm sort cheating on my boyfriend. Although you can't really call him my boyfriend. We barely see or talk to each other. And now when we do, I'm distant from him because of the other boy.
I keep trying to make myself call him and tell him we need to 'talk' but I keep losing my balls. I have a summary of everything I need to say to him, like how he needs to get his life and priorities sorted before he should consider having a girlfriend, he needs to grow up, realize that getting stoned with your mates every night is not a life achievement for an 18 year old with no job or education. The thing is, I know that I'll miss him when I do. Just one of those things I guess. I also know that if he starts apologizing, telling me he'll make an effort blah blah then being the ridiculously forgiving person that I am, I could quite possibly end up doing just that, forgiving him and giving it another go. Well, I'm thinking, and sort of hoping, that that's going to happen. Maybe he doesn't even care.
The other boy, I'm really quite confused about. I know how much he likes me. and he's giving me enough space until I split up with my boyfriend properly. Because that's what I want. But there's still the 100 texts a day to each other and cheeky innuendo's and kisses and holding hands when we're together. and I told him that I'm scared about him because if it wasn't for him, I'd probably give my boyfriend a second chance for sure, which then made him tell me how he felt. The other boy is everything the boy isn't. But there's still the boy popping up in my mind saying 'what if it could work though?'
My friend has told me I need to ask the other boy that if I do split up with the boyfriend, are we definitely going to give it a shot.
But then I keep thinking 'do I want to be in a relationship at all?'. I enjoy single life too much to be fair. I love flirting. I love the freedom. But at the same time, why not give the other boy a go? If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, simple as.

This was more to just write everything down that's been in my head to sort it out and clear it, because everything was just whizzing around too fast.
I'm about to jump in and find out the dealio with the other boy. and then tomorrow, I will make the call to the boyfriend, to either finish it, or sort it the fuck out.
Here goes.

Oh whatever.

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 01:05:41 GMT

Revelation. After a semi-argument with my best friend and then a hefty pep talk I've actually decided to think about the advice I give. Think about it for myself, I mean. I always give so much out, but I never stick to my own rules so to say.

It may sound selfish to some, but you rule your own life, you are the only person you're going to be with forever, so its down to you to make your life happy, no-one else. Don't let yourself be a pushover for anyone, unless its because they truly need it, which the occasional person does once in a while. And only take other peoples opinion of change on board unless you know in yourself that you need to change too. You have to remove the people that are not healthy for you. The only problem, is doing it without seeming like you think you're better than them. Because you're not.

Although it seems like for some people people that it is, life is not perfect, and probably never will be. Once you've gotten around that, things might not seem as hard or serious, but maybe you'll get a feeling of content with the things that are going on at that moment. I'll let you know if that's true when I achieve it.

Just go into things with all your hope, because its something you'll always have. I think its silly when people say 'don't get your hopes up' because yeah, you'll quite possibly be let down. But hope is something that can always pick you up. The glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel that illuminates your path ever so slightly. It could quite possibly be the train coming to crash down on your life once again, but you can hope that it isn't. Because there is always hope. And it may be naive to think like that sometimes, but it'll be what will always keep you going. When you feel like you can no longer hope, you're in a very cold, dark, dank tunnel. And frame of mind.

I need to finish up the last of the repairs on my life that I've been working on the past few months. Hopefully some time soon, I'll be content with the majority of things.

'You seemed quite buzzing before'

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 01:47:19 GMT

Not posted in a while. I think that the person who I actually wanted to read this doesn't anymore, but whatever, it's for my benefit too.

I've been quite unhappy at points, just thinking about things that have happened and how things haven't been perfect. But right now, at this moment, I'm really happy. I plucked up the courage to give you the present I took so long to think out and design and make and draw up and to think of the perfect thing to put on the note. It was the fact you liked it that made me ecstatic. and that hug was the most amazing thing I've felt for a while. and yeah, I might be happy about the fact that maybe, I hope, things could eventually go back to how it used to be if you give it chance, and we can forget everything that's happened, and I can finally have one of my good friends back in my life that I've missed so much. But also the fact that I took a chance, went into the deep end, with only hope to guide me along.

I've been with my boyfriend for just a week properly, and already I think it's a waste of time. It's tedious. It's convenient. I just don't feel anything amazing for you, sorry, and I know I should 'give it time', but I honestly don't ever see it coming about. You're just not someone that blows my mind. and I won't be comfortable until I find that. My instant reaction is just to run away though, like I usually do when it comes to confrontations that I have to take responsibility for and sort out or end myself. It's going to be awkward when it ends. But who cares, I'm sure he'll get over it. Plus I semi-like a few other people really. I've been single too long, I can't help but want to wander from time to time, person to person. The thing is, I know that doesn't happen when I find someone incredible, it's happened in the past.

I'm going to go to sleep now as I have college on my supposed day off. I have the feeling it's going to be good though. Or maybe it's just the overall happy feeling I have again.

'You're just good at concealing emotions, it's the best way to be'

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 20:42:00 GMT

...is that really the case though?
For the past couple of years I've somehow learned to push down my emotions, I'm not someone who'll give sympathy or feel sorry for myself, or cry when something gets to me. If I do, then the situation really means something to me and has really gotten to me. I find though, that every now and again, all the petty emotions that I don't feel worthy of my worry, sort of pile up on each other and burst to the top. and I get depressed and upset about things that I usually wouldn't, for a couple of hours or so, and then I get over it again and move on.
I don't know why I've learned to do that, I'm still a very sensitive person when it comes to the opinions of people I care about, but maybe it's because I've been too sensitive in the past and don't want to be seen as weak anymore.
It's weird though, how I can cry over a fictional story on a tv show or film, or stupid things like people singing with real feeling. I don't understand how I can be so emotional over something that isn't really happening, or happening to me, but if I feel myself getting a bit too upset about someone that has happened to me, I can push those feelings down like they shouldn't be there.
I try to let myself cry sometimes, but it's like I can feel the aching and the tears underneath, but something permanent is stopping them coming up.
I'm physically incapable of letting my emotions run free.
and for once, I find that quite sad.

No description.

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 23:44:51 GMT

Why is it that things never go how you want them to? More answers than 'lives a bitch' and 'everything happens for a reason', please.
Also, why do we have an image in our mind of how and when we'll be truely happy, but when we get there, we want even more? Life's greedy and fickle, no matter how hard we try for it not to be.
I don't think you can idolize a situation or action that would make you happy, you can only feel true happiness when its happening, right there in the moment, when you know it. But until then, I guess we can have a general idea.
Friends make you happy, that's a given fact. Friends that you truely live for, your best friends. I like the fact that I've finally find not 1, but 4 best friends I can talk to, who understand everything about me, and even if they don't, try their best to. And at the same time, can have the most fun and laugh until your stomach feels like its about to burst. People who you feel completely content with and around at any given moment.
And then there are the people you wish to be like that with. Maybe family members who don't quite understand you, or still think of you as the child you used to be and make their judgments of you from that, continuously underestimating. Or other friends whome you wish would want you to be someone they lived for. But you can never get everything you want.
There will always be those people who underestimate you, who don't know you quite as well as they should, and don't make the effort to try to, even though you hope more than anything that one day they will.
There will always be those people that leave you speachless without them knowing it, even though explaining yourself is one of your best talents.
There will always be the prettier, more fun, more interesting, more talented, more funny new people to pull those people away from you, because they don't yet realise they have all the friendship they need in you and the others that you should know will always be around.
There will always be people that hide the truth from you because of what they think is helping you, without knowing that the dishonesty is what's pulling you apart.
There will always be the people that are tearing your heart and your feelings apart without having a clue about it.
There will always be jealousy, even though you don't mean there to be.
There will always be confusion.
Frustration.
Sadness.
Mixed signals.
Disbelief.
Feeling under-apreciated and under-estimated.
And there will always be hope.

All I know is, right now I'm as much happy as I am sad. I don't have a clue where I'm going and I don't have a clue how things may turn out. I don't know how certain people feel, or why.
But I do know I have some of the people in my life that I need and always will have, and can only hope for the others.

This post has no point, flow, or meaning.
A lot like life *tear*.

Done.

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 18:43:38 GMT

All I want off you are the things you're not even supposed to think about.
Every under-estimated thought, every put down, the lack of respect, not an inch of appreciation that I am your friend, you want me around and am there for you the millisecond you'd ever fucking need me.
You're breaking my heart.
And the thing is, you know you are, and the only impression I get is that you don't give a flying fuck.

I deserve respect, I deserve being able to make a joke or a comment without being put down or beaten down on for anything and everything I say, I deserve to know that you appreciate me if only half as much as I do you.
And if you really don't care, I deserve to be told, instead of being left to stew in my own thoughts and paranoia.
I deserve the fucking truth.

I tried to read between the lines.

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:05:44 GMT

Time to get my head straight again.
Straight can be used in the loosest of terms, as the mindset I want to get into isn't necessarily the sanest.
I thought I'd do this thing again to maybe help myself keep on track.

I feel like in the past few weeks I've changed. Well, in the year as a whole I've changed, but in the last few weeks it's actually been for the better.
I'll point blank admit that at one point I was a self involved, image conscious, conceited and down right nasty 'scene kid'. I didn't care who I ridiculed and yeah while the odd little bitch about horrible people and a little joke about what people are wearing in the street is normal, I literally bitched about anyone who wasn't one of my 'scene' friends, and even they got bitched about most of the time. It wasn't a friendly circle, you bitched about your own friends, always making you paranoid you were being bitched about the second your back was turned. Recently I've realized I don't need those sorts of people in my life.
I have the 3 best friends I need. One of them will always be my best friend, we don't see each other much these days but I know that she'll always be there whenever I need her, and she'll always be the one person I can tell and talk to about literally anything.
The other two are genuine, clever, down to earth, hilarious, non-bitchy, loyal girls. and I'm glad I've had them to take me away from the opposite. I have other good friends also, and they're gladly not in the 'bad' crowd. I'm finally truly happy with the situation I'm in.

The boy situation right now is confusing, like always.
There's one boy, likes me a lot, typically good looking, buff, rugby player. Except he bores the hell out of me. He's a really nice guy and everything, but there's just no spark, no wow-factor. I need someone to blow my mind, not my ego.
I feel really mean every time I go out and get off with other guys though. Well I don't feel bad at the time, but I feel bad when the next day he txts me and in mid-conversation says something like 'so, did you get with anyone last night?' I tell the truth of course, but he still keeps hanging on.
There have been other guys on nights out that I've gotten off with and whatever, but none of them really meant something. Well, one of them did, but he hasn't bothered with me since, despite how interested he acted for 2 days straight. So I'm over it.
My Mr Big keeps popping in my head (mild Sex & The City reference there). You know, treats you like shit, doesn't want you, then does when you're happy, then doesn't again, but it's always in the back of your mind that you'll end up together. But you'll always go back to him, because it's... him. And no-one but you will ever be able to understand why.
There's this one guy, he's one of my best friends I'd say. The thing is, he's the most amazing person I've ever met. We have such a funny relationship, and he always manages to blow my mind. He inspires me to be a better person and have better morals and beliefs. I could easily be in love with him. But, I don't think he'll ever see me like that. He'll always have girlfriends smarter than me, quirkier than me, prettier than me, nicer than me. and that's ok, just as long as I can still have him in my life as a friend.

I really want to become vegetarian again. and eventually vegan. I know I say that every other month but seen as I'm getting my head straight in other aspects, I think I'll have the will power and strength to keep to it this time. I'm not doing it to impress anyone or anything like that, I'm doing it for me. Well, we'll see. and I guess there are more sinister sides to why I want to do it as well as the basic morals.

I drink and party and stay out of the house as much as I can these days, not because I'm a rebellious teenager just looking to have fun, it's because I loathe being in my house and around my parents who pick an argument over the smallest thing just to make their mundane lives seem a little more exciting. I smoke not to enjoy it, but to haze my hunger. I smoke weed because I can.

I'll update when I next remember to xo

Soundtrack -
Let's Make Love - CSS
Dead Man's Chest - Parkway Drive
The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle - A Day To Remember
As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessional
Slam - Pendulum
Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
The Mixed Tape - Jack's Mannequin
Painkiller - Pendulum
The Siren's Song - Parkway Drive
Voices - Saosin
A Tale of Two Cities - Modern Life is War
Different - Pendulum
Thunder - Boys Like Girls